You’ve read all the books, asked your family and friends, and might have tried speaking to a mutual friend or an older couple together and you find yourself having the same arguments, same miscommunications, and worst of all, you and your partner are both emotionally exhausted trying to make your marriage work. At this stage, divorce sounds like your only option with each passing day, and you’ve made an appointment to speak with a divorce lawyer.
Many have found themselves at this stage of a difficult marriage but find themselves unable to proceed with completely ending the marriage as there is a small desire to fix the marriage. But before you take that final step, consider these pivotal questions that could offer a fresh perspective on your troubled marriage. Delve into introspection, examine the past, and explore new avenues for healing.
- Am I better off married or divorced?
This is the most important question to consider as there are many contextual and personal factors surrounding your decision, and a chance to weigh your pros and cons. In cases of abuse, infidelity, or concern for yours or your partners’ safety, divorce may be or seem like the best option. In many other cases, this is a valuable opportunity to consider the present and future impact of divorce. The emotional toll, separation of families, and the lasting impact on children might outweigh the benefits of counseling, seeking time apart, or investing in the relationship. Taking time to be apart (but not separating) and decreasing personal stress may help clear your head and better help with your decision-making process. - Why did we fall in love in the first place?
It is easy to put on rose-coloured glasses or fall into the habit of looking at the negative aspects of your relationship. What were the traits you fell in love with? At the time, what made you feel so much joy and happiness? Most importantly, do you see yourself ever feeling this way about your partner again? It is important to note that this is not a time to romanticize any abusive or negative experiences because you have put in so much time with your partner, but to reflect on the feelings you felt for each other that led to the decision that this was the person with whom you wanted to build a life together and grow old with. - Have we tried couples’ counselling?
Another important idea to consider at this stage is where your partner stands on the idea of divorce. If you see it as a potential option but your partner does not (or vice versa), it is worth examining exactly where you and your partner stand emotionally and if there are any changes you can make within yourself and together. As mentioned before, the feeling of sitting on the fence (also known as ambivalence) can be worked out in counselling. Couples’ counselling is a safe place where you alone or with your partner can discuss your feelings surrounding the current state of the marriage with an objective, unbiased, and confidential party. Many couples credit the objective stance of a counsellor as the necessary mirror needed for each partner to see not only their partner’s issues but issues, they may have which are contributing to the problems in their marriage.
At C.S. Counselling & Consulting Services, we specialize in private couples’ and individual counselling addressing marital issues, coping skills and mental well-being, depression, anxiety, alcohol, and substance abuse, and navigating daily relationships with a healthy sense of self. We see both call-in and referral clients by appointment and offer services from RSW-registered professionals. It is our goal to work with you and/or your loved one to provide clarity while developing skills to cope during an otherwise stressful and challenging time.